


Achilles Come Down

by BookFangirlMaryJane



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, NOW HAS FANART, Or At Least I Tried, Possibly suicide, Post-Episode: s12e10 The Timeless Children, Suicidal Thoughts, Thoschei, admittedly more hurt than comfort, depending on which ending you read into it, inspired by a tumblr post
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26580982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookFangirlMaryJane/pseuds/BookFangirlMaryJane
Summary: The Doctor finds the Master at the edge of a cliff, ready to jump. She attempts to talk him out of it. And talks herself right into it. Which he then has to fix by talking her down.—o—WARNING: Contains suicidal thoughts!!! Please don't read this story if that triggers you!!!
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 50





	Achilles Come Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [river_of_words](https://archiveofourown.org/users/river_of_words/gifts).



> WARNING: This story contains suicidal thoughts. If that is something that triggers you, please don't read this story, okay?
> 
> This was inspired by a tumblr post and a song.
> 
> I recomment listening to 'Achilles Come Down' by Gang of Youths while reading this. It's really good.
> 
> And here's the link to the tumblr post:  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/you-have-to-use-your-imagination/629712983891853312
> 
> UPDATE!!! The person who made that original tumblr post that inspired this fic now has created FANART for this fic!!! It's utterly brilliant and I have to share it. 
> 
> The link is at the end because the art is kinda spolier-y and I'd rather people look at it after reading... But do what you want, really. 
> 
> Again, if you can get triggered by suicide and suicidal thoughts, please keep away from this story.

**—o—**

She finds him perched on the edge of a cliff, in a galaxy slightly to the left of Dragonfly 44. Getting here had been a bit of a challenge since she had to maneuver through the dark energy of that neighboring galaxy but she managed. The TARDIS did most of the work, admittedly, but still. She’s the pilot. That’s gotta count for something, doesn’t it?

When she first sees him sitting there, legs dangling over the edge, hands folded in his lap, eyes fixed on the vast emptiness of the space between up here and down there, she has to admit that her hearts skip two beats.

“Go away,” he says quietly when she approaches. His voice trembles. His whole body trembles, she notes. She steps closer and stands next to him, following his gaze into the open space beneath his feet.

“I’m not leaving you.” _‘Again,’_ she doesn’t add. It hangs in the air, though.

He scoffs but it sounds like it’s forced. “Oh, **now** you’re not leaving? Now that I want you to leave, you stay, and when I wanted you to stay, you left? Is that it? You’re just always going to do the opposite of what I want?”

He’s not looking at her. Hasn’t turned his head her way since she arrived. She wonders what she would see in his eyes if he looked at her.

“You didn’t want me to stay, you wanted me to blow both of us up.”

“So?”

She looks at him for a moment longer. Then she sighs. She sits down by his side. Their shoulders are almost touching.

“I did the same thing, you know? After I… After I thought I pressed that button and destroyed Gallifrey. I went a bit… unhinged. Blew up bad guys with no care to whether I’d get hurt, too. Screamed at Daleks to just kill me. Saved as many people as I could, hoping it would just calm this horrible guilt inside of me.”

He’s quiet. She thinks he’s listening. Good.

“I should have told you about this bit, instead of the whole ‘being good’ thing. What to do when you did something bad. How to deal with the aftermath. How to… make amends. Even if they… even if what you did wasn’t… even if you were right to do so.”

Her last words are barely a whisper but loud in the silence up here. His head turns her way, finally, and he stares at her. There are tear tracks on his cheeks. Dirt on his face. Blood in his hair. Desperation in his eyes.

“I’m not going to tell you that what you did wasn’t bad, wasn’t horrible, wasn’t a massacre of the highest caliber. There were a lot of innocents on Gallifrey. The children. They didn’t deserve that. But. But I understand where you came from. The Time Lords deserved it. For…”

For experimenting on little kids. For torturing me. For killing me, over and over. For all those little children, lost in the dark because of them. For you and me. For hurting both of us so much, for lying, for hiding this from me, from you, from us. For… “For everything.”

He’s properly looking at her now. She isn’t looking back. She’s staring down. Very far down, there is a patch of blue. A meadow, maybe. Pretty blue grass, common on this planet. Maybe the edge of a forest over there. It’s so far away. So far below.

“And – what? Is that supposed to change anything? You’re so high and mighty now. Why are you here, lecturing me, trying to make us alike? We’re not the same. Why would you care if I jumped, Doctor?” His voice is aggressive now, aggravated. She sighs.

“I didn’t mean what I said. I’m not more than you.” He scoffs again, although it sounds more like he wants to laugh. “I’m **not**. I don’t even remember it! How can I be different from you when all I know is this? Us?”

“Don’t play so innocent, Doctor,” he spits, “you’re a Goddess compared to me. Immortal, ever-changing, eternally regenerating. You’re so much more than **everyone**.”

She is silent for a while, lets him breathe. His breathing is ragged, harsh. Angry.

“Do you…?”

She falters. Stops and thinks. Starts again.

“When you regenerate, what does it feel like?”

He turns to her again. “What?”

She just looks at him. “Tell me. What does it feel like? Does it feel like dying?”

He’s frowning now. “No, of course not. Regeneration is being reborn! Regeneration is staying alive! It feels like **living** , Doctor.” She can tell by the reverent note in his voice that he’s not lying. He really feels like that. Oh.

“It doesn’t to me.”

The admission hangs in the air. His eyes are interlocked with hers. She wants to un-say it. The shock on his face is such a strange sight. She wants it to go away again. Instead, she keeps going. Has to keep going.

“Regenerating feels like dying. It feels like all that I am is killed, burned away, to be replaced by a version of me that I’m **not** , that I could **never be** , until I realize it’s still me, but a part of me that only lives because the old me **died**. I can feel it, the old me dying. Every cell burning, bursting into gold. And then I’m left alone, naked, in the dark of a place I don’t know, surrounded by people I can’t remember, stuck in a body that I don’t recognize. Do you know how that **feels**? Do you have **any** idea how that…?”

Her voice breaks. She’s trembling. Her hands are shaking where they’re fisted in her lap. Her gaze has wandered, again, towards the possible meadow. Her body has scooted closer to the edge.

“And then I find out that I’ve been doing this, **dying** , for far longer that I though. Find out that someone deliberately **murdered** me, over and over again, to figure out why I won’t die. Find out that I will keep on dying, over and over, who knows for how long. Until the universe breaks apart? Maybe even beyond that! How am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to do this, knowing everyone I love will die before me? How could I do that? I’m not made for immortality, even if this body is. I don’t want to **be** like this. I don’t… I can’t… I’m so **tired** already, I can’t keep on doing this, can’t keep on dying over and over and **over** again, for nothing! How am I supposed to go on?”

The ground seems to draw her in. She wonders what it would feel like, to fall, to land, to lie down there and refuse to go on. Gold sparks fizzing out. Hazel eyes going dull. Life ending, just like that…

A warm hand on her cheek pulls her back. He turns her head so their eyes lock again. “ _Doctor_ ,” he says. Breathes it, like a prayer, like a plea.

“How am I supposed to go on without you by my side, Koschei?” she whispers.

“How am I supposed to go on without you by my side, Theta?” he responds.

They stare at each other for a long moment. Then she takes his hand. Squeezes it. He squeezes back. Leans close enough to kiss her, soft and sweet.

“Stand with me?” he asks.

“Fall with me?” she asks.

Their fingers interlace. The Doctor and the Master. Theta and Koschei.

And together, they stand.

Together, they fall.

** The End **

**Author's Note:**

> So.  
> This is supposed to be somewhat open-ended.  
> I'm not sure if I got it right. You can decide for yourself whether they jumped or didn't.  
> There are a few parts of the story that don't sit quite right with me but I realized that I won't be able to fix them without completely re-writing the whole story and honestly, I do like it the way it is right now.  
> If you want, you can leave kudos and a comment.  
> I don't need you to, but it would really make my day.  
> (Honestly. It would.)
> 
> The idea for this story is really not actually mine but, as I said already, comes from that tumblr post. I'd recommend checking out 'you-have-to-use-your-imagination's tumblr account. The posts are AMAZING!  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/you-have-to-use-your-imagination  
> (Yes, I am promoting your tumblr here. And yes, I gifted this story to you. Because it was your idea that made me write this. And I think you deserve to take credit for that...)
> 
> UPDATE!!! Fanart link here! It's so utterly perfect!!! I love it so much!!! Look at it!!!  
> https://you-have-to-use-your-imagination.tumblr.com/post/630354127045754880/how-am-i-supposed-to-go-on-without-you-by-my
> 
> Stay safe and healthy, everyone!
> 
> Mary Jane


End file.
